This is a continuation of my comments on the book Shepherding a Child's Heart I started last week. Karen, and Meredith are doing the same.
Part 1
Foundations for Biblical Childrearing
Chapter 1 Getting to the Heart of behavior
Tripp began with the heart. Referring to it as “the control center for life.”
Luke 6:45 “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.”
Scripture makes it clear that the heart determines behavior. The focus is not on the behavior alone but the heart. Tripp believes, and I concur, that the behavior of our children easily sidetracks us from looking at the heart. Their sour behavior demands our attention. We think we have corrected their behavior by changing it to a more acceptable type of behavior.
“The problem [with this] is: Your child’s needs are for more profound than his aberrant behavior. Remember, his behavior does not just spring forth uncaused. His behavior-the things he says and does- reflects his heart. If you are to really help him, you must be concerned with the attitudes of the heart that drive his behavior.”
The heart is key. We must learn to work from their behavior back to the heart.
“This understanding does marvelous things for discipline. It makes the heart the issue, not just the behavior. It focuses correction on deeper things than changed behavior. The point of confrontation is what is occurring in the heart. Your concern is to unmask your child’s sin, helping him to understand how it reflects a heart that has strayed. That leads to the cross of Christ. (I like this part) It underscores a need for a Savior. It provides opportunities to show the glories of God, who sent his Son to change hearts and free people enslaved to sin.” Amen!
When matters of the heart are placed in the center of correcting our children, it provides opportunity to share the gospel and our own lives with them not just change behavior.
In fact, Tripp goes so far as to say it is condemnable to change their behavior only. It leads to hypocrisy and lip service only. Demanding correct behavior is only the beginning. Unmasking their sin and pulling them into the light and love of the cross is the next, I still like this part.
Chapter 2
Your Child’s development: Shaping Influences
At the end of chapter 1 Tripp sets the course for the next two chapters. He states, “You need to understand your child in relationship to the two broad sets of issues that affect him: 1) The child and his relationship to the shaping influences of life, and 2) The child and his relationship to God.
This week we look at shaping influences. Next week we’ll start with the child’s relationship with the Lord.
He defines shaping influences as those events and circumstances in a child’s developmental years that prove to be catalysts for making him the person he is to be. These are childhood life experiences. He lists six different areas: family values, family roles, structure of family life, family responses to failure, and family conflict resolution.
But says, “This is only suggestive of the circumstances that have impact on our lives.”
I found this to be really thought provoking. Not only do our children have shaping influences we do as well. I act and respond according to my own shaping influences from my childhood, as my parents before me, and so on. It gives light on how certain sins are pasted down through the generations. His basis for the undeniable influences in our lives is from Deuteronomy 6, Ephesians 6, and Colossians 3. It is a mistake to deny that we are unaffected by our childhood experiences.
Another mistakes in understanding shaping influences, is seeing shaping influences deterministically. (My new word for the day.) It is the idea that we are helpless victims of our circumstances. He talks about a kind of “Christian determinism.” The idea we as Christian parents adopt is that if we do our best to provide our children with positive experiences they will turn out okay. We falsely think that if a proper environment is provided it will produce a proper child. I know this is where we started in our ideas about child training. We just needed to do it the right way. Even if we could do it the right way, we assume our children are passive receivers, but they are not. We cannot change their hearts but we can lead them to the One who can. “They are responsible for the way they respond to your parenting,” states Mr. Tripp. It has become very clear our own shaping influences still play upon us. My husband and I both come from homes of divorced. About a year ago we were separated for 3 months. Now we have a very definite shaping influence in our children’s lives. And possibly a negative one. The Lord is faithful despite our failings and is healing our lives. We are learning to face the sin in our hearts and walking in honesty before the Lord, with each other, and our children. This could have a devastating effect to our children or it could give them the opportunity to respond, humbly, to the work of God in our lives and theirs. The latter is our hope. My husband and I cannot provide a perfect environment. Our own marred lives will not allow it. We can lead them to the Lord, to his saving work on the cross, to His gracious work of love in our lives and tell them He desires to know them too.
